The Patriots Bible: The Story of the Patriots Prophet in a Whirlwind
I. The Patriots Prophet sauntered confidently over the exposed black pellets and let out a mighty roar as was his pre-battle ritual, but this battle was to be a difficult one. For although he would no longer have to face his most perplexing foe of the Giants from New York, Brady the Prophet would struggle to deliver his anointed arrows for half the battle. II. The football gods signaled their anger early with the Patriots Prophet, bringing a whirlwind to the fields of Gillette to disturb and stymie his offensive forces. III. But ye, the football gods once again ran into their ultimate nemesis; the fallen god, the one who stole the secrets of the football gods and brought them down from the mountain to share with mere mortals–The Hooded One.
IV. Bill Belichick. The name that strikes fear into the football gods and other false prophets. He who showed the way and molded the Patriots Prophet into the perfect offensive weapon. It was he who once again displayed his might on a night when The Prophet gave fuel to the non-believers. V. With the offense bogged down by the furious winds of the angered gods, the Hooded One thrust his defensive soldiers at the offense of the woebegone Giants. VI. As the young new warrior, Daniel Jones, tried to gird his offense against that of the Patriot Defenders, something became clear; the Hooded One would need all of his knowledge to dispatch with the terrible Giants.
VII. As the battle waged on and the winds of the gods whipped through the village of Foxboro, Jones the Giant Prophet and his followers pitched a defensive battle. They gave not an inch. Even when the Giants Special Forces were the first to disappoint their leader and cede the first big maneuver of the battle, the Giants were not deterred. VIII. Although Jones the Giant Prophet looked to succumb in the face of the Hooded One’s soldiers, the Giants appeared to grasp victory from the jaws of defeat. Jones produced a miracle and slung an impossible arrow into the hands of his scion Golden Tate. IX. It was then that the tides of the battle began to favor the Giants.
X. The Patriots Prophet was assailed from behind! He lost the prized pigskin and the Giants celebrated as it was immediately brought to the house of gold! The Battle was even and it was not even half over. But the Patriots Prophet was not to be denied. XI. He gathered his forces and returned the favor in his most methodical and exacting manner. When The Long Truce was called, The Hooded One’s army had the advantage, but the battle was still very much in doubt.
The Patriots Bible: The Battle Gets Decided in the Realm of the Patriots
XII. Then a curious thing occurred. While both armies attacked one another after the end of The Long Truce, neither side could inflict any damage. First, a foray from the Giants was halted by the arms and legs of the one they call Gilmore. This was followed by the periodic occurrence of the most dreaded thing of all, The Kicker Mishap. XIII. Both the Armies of the Giants and the Patriots found no success at all in the important 3rd of Battle.
XIV. But the Mighty 4th, the portion of the battle they call “The Realm of the Patriots,” bore fruit for the Hooded One and the Patriots Prophet. For it was in the fourth and final portion of the battle that the Patriots inflicted heavy losses upon their nemesis.
XV. The prodigal son Jamie Collins, having returned from the wayward land of Cleveland, once again proved his worth to the Hooded One. Collins the Athletic divined the Giants’ trickery and teleported to the diminutive pigskin carrier and wrestled the prized possession away from him. XVI. What transpired next was under contestation, but would be clarified in following recountings. XVII. Kyle Van Noy, he of the hair and smile and good eats, cradled the pigskin and took off towards the land of gold. He realized then his way was blocked. But lo! Rather than give up hope, he leaped towards the nearest section and sailed through the air like an eagle and miraculously completed the mini-miracle of turning defense to offense. The Hooded One did not smile for he had foreseen it all.
XVIII. With the battle all but over, Brady the Prophet was commanded to show his enemies no mercy. The Patriots Prophet gladly obliged. XIX. He marched his troops–somehow the same collection and formation of troops since the end of The Long Truce–down the belly of the Giants. XX. The One, True Prophet, took his weapons 63 yards, slewing men left and right as he progressed. With the help of his fateful companion, the representative of the Chosen People–the one the kind Ogre Gronkowski calls “The Squirrel–The Patriots Prophet reached the land of milk and honey and chopped off the head of the Giant warrior with one final plunge, his second such move of the battle.
XXI. The Patriots’ losses were few but telling. The Flash was injured in the fray and the sideline priests and priestesses do not know when he will be able to rejoin the fight. XXII. There is hope on the way, however, one of the Prophets Big Protectors is thought to be on his way out of the dire Blue Tent. Many followers also believer the Patriots could unveil a big, strong, new weapon in the coming weeks of battle. The one that was foretold before the start of the latest campaign. XXIII. The overlooked Jakobi Meyers was efficient in his strikes and many predict great things from the previously unwanted soldier. But ye, it was a hard-fought victory, but a victory it was. The Hooded One’s army and that of the Patriots Prophet have engaged in six battles this campaign and prevailed in all six. XXIV. The Hooded One still shows no signs of mirth.