Ranking the Stupidests Masks of the Pandemic

Stupid masks are almost as ubiquitous as Covid-19. During the pandemic, we all agreed–without truly understanding Covid-19–that wearing masks was a requirement. If you wanted to go out and about before the vaccine, you had to wear a mask. In the car with somebody else, while shopping at a store, and just about every time out of the house, you had to wear a mask. However, with more and more people taking the vaccine and herd immunity starting to take over, now is the perfect time to take a semi-serious look at the stupidest masks of the pandemic.

In order to qualify for the stupidest masks of the pandemic list, it cannot be any mask worn for specific medical purposes. I.e., it is impossible for a cancer patient to wear a stupid mask. It is impossible for somebody with a low or malfunctioning immune system to wear a stupid mask. In order to qualify for the Stupidest Masks of the Pandemic list, the person or group in question must be wearing a mask that clearly defies logic. That, or they must be routinely exhibiting behavior while wearing a mask that completely defeats the purpose of wearing the mask in the first place.

So, this isn’t a list that ranks the best working masks. This isn’t even a list that ranks the visual aspect of masks vs. gators vs. shields etc. Nope. This list is the Stupidest Masks of the Pandemic in terms of, “You Should Not Be Wearing That Mask.” So, without much further ado, here are the Top 5 Stupidest Masks of the Pandemic (in descending order):

Honorable Mention for the Stupidest Masks of the Pandemic: People That Don’t Wear Masks Properly

Even before study after study came out discussing the pros and cons of mask-wearing, one thing was certain; there is a proper way to wear a mask. The proper way to wear a mask is over the mouth and simultaneously over the nose.

However, no matter what point of the pandemic we were in–the beginning, the middle, our current waning moments–people wore their masks in a manner that completely defeated the purpose of the mask. Over the mouth? Yes! Over the nose? Nah. Since I’m in no way better, funnier, or smarter than Trey Parker and Matt Stone, let’s allow South Park to have the last word here because it is perfect.

No. 5 Stupidest Masks of the Pandemic: Sports Coaches Who Take Off Masks to Yell

I’m a massive sports fan. Despite quitting MLB, I still get my sports on a daily basis. Whether that be college sports, NBA, or NHL, sports are there to bring me comfort during the pandemic, and I thank them. However, something bugs me every time I watch sports during the pandemic; coaches yelling while wearing masks.

It’s not the fact coaches are wearing masks–especially because they were them properly–but what they do when they yell. These coaches–who again, wear the masks properly–all lower the masks to yell, and then when they are done yelling, put the masks back on properly.

To reiterate; these coaches, in men’s college basketball, in women’s college basketball, in the NBA, in the NHL, everywhere… these coaches are wearing masks properly and then at the instant they should be ensuring the masks are covering their mouths, they lower their masks to yell, expectorating all over the place.

No. 4 Stupidest Masks of the Pandemic: People Wearing Masks Driving in Cars By Themselves

If you are a taxi, Uber, or Lyft driver picking somebody up, I can understand why you have your mask on. If you are somebody picking up an elderly person, that is also a damn good reason. However, if you are by yourself in your car and you have your mask on, that’s one of the stupidest masks of the pandemic. There is no reason for your mask. Take your mask off!

Did you forget your mask was on? If so, that’s also kind of scary. Otherwise, there is no rational reason for you to be wearing your mask. Is it a fashion statement? Is it a virtue signal? Again, did you forget it was on? Why the hell are you still wearing your mask you stupid, stupid person.

Are you protecting yourself from the ghosts in your car? Are you protecting your imaginary friend riding shotgun? Can the imaginary friend get Covid-19? Why the hell is your mask still on? I see you. Everyone sees you! Everyone sees nobody else there with you! YOUR CAR CAN’T GIVE YOU COVID!!! THE CAR CAN’T KILL YOU! IT IS NOT CHRISTINE!!!

No. 3 Stupidest Masks of the Pandemic: Athletes Wearing Masks While Playing

Few things are more anger-inducing than liberal schools and their stupid mask ordinances. At both colleges and preparatory schools–places that are supposed to base their decision on science and learning–masks are ubiquitous. If you want students to mask up in class, fine. It is a-scientific to make young people wear masks because it appears young students don’t really spread covid to adults, and even if they do, it is not that virulent, but whatever; a private institution doing what it wants is fine.

However, when students are outside? Now we’re getting into the stupidest masks of the pandemic territory. And when they are competing on the athletic fields? Oh, now we’ve got a real case for the stupidest masks of the pandemic. So athletes, sweating through their masks (which occurs during every good workout), and sweating on each other, are still expected to wear masks?

There are two even more stupid variants to this especially stupid mask scenario

  1. Athletes wearing masks underneath helmets
    1. https://twitter.com/SuffieldAcademy/status/1380585715923353601
    2. https://twitter.com/BantamSports/status/1377673903573721088
  2. Athletes returning to the bench, sweating, and putting a mask on as if this negates everything they just did without their mask on (basketball is the most notable violator of this)

The Runner-Up for Stupidest Masks of the Pandemic: Those Who Have Been Vaccinated Wearing Masks

Looking at you Dr. Fauci. Despite what the most famous epidemiologist in America says–a guy who has a history of being wrong almost as long as Joe Biden’s–if you are fully vaccinated you do not need a mask. A mask at that point is merely virtue signaling, it is simply kabuki theater.

Looking at you Joe Biden, wearing a mask after getting a vaccination like a stupid person. Anybody wearing masks after getting fully vaccinated is a stupid person. So what is our Vice President doing? Fully vaccinated, on a plane? Being a stupid person and showing off one of the stupidest masks of the pandemic.

The Stupidest Masks of the Pandemic: Mascots in Masks

Speaking of stupid people in the White House. Let’s take a quick look-in at the 2021 White House Easter celebration.

That’s three of the stupidest masks of the pandemic all lined up in a row. All three people are vaccinated, so none of the three should have a mask. But do you know who really should not have a mask? The Eater Bunny! THE COSTUME IS A MASK IN OF ITSELF!!!

The reason mascots in masks are the stupidest masks of the pandemic is because it is not just stupid, it is pure manipulation of children. The only group who does not know mascots are real is children. The masks are on the mascots because the White House wants children to wear masks even though children should not be wearing masks. This is just a power-play directly aimed at taking advantage of children. It is stupid, and it is a manipulation of children who don’t know any better. They do not know any better because children are stupid. But at least they’re not the ones putting mascots in masks; the stupidest masks of the pandemic.