The Worst Commercial of All Time Can Bring Us Together

Americans are going through a tough and heavy time right now. The murder of George Floyd has rocked almost everybody and the nation is figuring out how to process all of their emotions. Sometimes for good, sometimes for bad. There is a divide right now as Americans try to find unity and common ground, and while most probably don’t feel like laughing or letting go of their anger, I think now is the perfect time to inject some levity into the ether. Not only is this the perfect time for a break and a bit of comic relief, but I have found the one thing we can all agree upon; the worst commercial of all-time.

This is no joke. Well, that is not entirely true. I sincerely believe this commercial is the worst commercial of all time. When it came out, the commercial was 100% serious, but to anybody who watched it, it was a joke. If we can’t come together and laugh at this atrocity of a commercial, we can’t do anything together. So, without any further ado, let us watch, and then break down, the worst commercial of all time.

Some of you probably saw the thumbnail and started experiencing cold shivers and dread before hitting that play button. You know this commercial. For some of you, it has forever remained in the back of your mind, sticking to your subconscious next to old phone numbers of exes and that one piece of trivia you keep to entertain people at parties (“did you know the male duckbilled platypus has a poison spur“). Well, to those who had tried to forget it, I apologize for bringing this commercial out of its hibernation. To those of you who have never seen it before, let us go into way too much detail about why this is the worst commercial of all time.

Why “Coach I Touched It” is the Worst Commercial of All Time

The first thing we notice is we are witnessing a basketball game at probably the high school level. A basketball game featuring a generic white team and a generic red team. Part of the major issue in this commercial is that it is terrible from a basketball standpoint. Our first real play is a baseline jumper from No. 14 red who has a jump shot that would get swatted by anybody playing even remotely competent defense. Next, we get the least contested rebound in the history of basketball. A board so preposterous it almost flies in the face of physics. Notice how No. 30 red jumps into the air as the ball is halfway towards the hoop. Almost as if he isn’t quite sure how gravity works or he has no sense of spatial awareness or basic trigonometry

No. 30 is in terrific position for the offensive board. He worked to get that position but gave it away for no apparent reason. Don’t worry though, the Bears will spend no time boxing him out. Also, it’s fun to note the fans on the baseline who all got the memo, “wear light blue jeans, a red t-shirt and be as generic as possible… except for you, chilled out fan leaning against the door in shorts and sandals… you get to be the cool guy.”

Back to the basketball. We’re about to find out the Eagles (the red team) are up by two with 10 seconds to go. This is important because our gameplay here makes no sense. However, throwing caution to the wind, No. 22 red is going to be the third guy to crash the boards, leaving No. 10 red as the only possible man back. Most importantly, this means No. 23 white (no fan of boxing out) can leak to his heart’s desire on a set play. Again, THE EAGLES ARE UP BY TWO AND ARE CRASHING THREE MEN WITH ANOTHER LOCKED IN BASELINE FOR NO REASON.

Whatever. The Bears still have to get the rebound. So our big man, No. 6 (who we will soon find out is our “hero” Alex), skies for the board and RIPS a Kevin Love-Esque outlet to No. 23. Mr. 23 gets the wet dream of Red Auerbach and takes off. A quick couple of observations. This is where we get the game situation and the world’s saddest and most disorganized cheerleading crew this side of the South Central Louisiana State University MudDogs

So now we know the score and time left on the clock. Also, the natural sound in this commercial is lovely. So much so we can notice that No. 23 travels immediately upon receiving the pass, and then again as he goes to sky for the two-handed slam. Not much for fundamentals, but No. 23 is a stud who ties the game in studlike fashion so he gets a pass for going full LeBron James with the steps. P.S. No. 10 red’s transition defense and situational awareness? Just atrocious.

Tie game after the dunk. Red has to inbound the ball.

There is No. 10 again (he’s like a phantom, everywhere and nowhere at the same time). The Eagles once again display the worst basketball IQ of all time and inbound the ball to the sideline where Mr. 10 gets trapped. He’s got Stud 23 and another White on him like glue. He throws it up the sideline to No. 22 red who inexplicably decided the sideline is the best place to alleviate the pressure. But NO! There is our boy Alex and the ball goes out of bounds!

Who is it off of? WHO TOUCHED IT LAST?!?!

No. 22 red is pantomiming it touched Alex. Alex stares at the ref with all the mental capacity of a drunken dear looking into the headlights of a tractor-trailer

Kudos to Mr. Ref. He is in PERFECT position and is giving No. 22 the ol’ “I see ya, but I don’t believe ya” look. And Mr. Ref signals it is “Blue” ball (two things: (1) “Blue ball” hehe and (2) In case you didn’t know this, it is a rule of sports officiating to only use primary colors for reasons that make no sense, or to use the least prominent color on a jersey, so Alex’s team, is “blue” even though they are white. Nothing important there, just a pet peeve of mine). Moving on.

Red coach can’t believe the call (I’d be pissed too if my team was up two with 12 seconds to go and somehow I can now lose the game in regulation). White (sorry, I mean Blue) coach calls a full timeout, and it is granted by our large-eared ref. Blue coach is going to make like Brad Stevens and start drawing up an ATO (After Time Out) play, so the Bears huddle (why Bears are Blue and White is beyond me, but whatever).

The Glory and Horror of Alex and the Worst Commercial of All Time

Blue team huddles, but clearly something is on Alex’s mind because he looks like someone kicked his dog (or maybe he’s just realizing he looks like a young Al Horford, one or the other)

Blue Coach is trying to tell his team to “we’ve got one play so let’s make this count,” but Alex is a honey badger, he don’t care. After a couple of excruciating seconds where we can wonder why nobody is really sweating that much for a packed gym and a 65-65 affair, Alex drops from out of the clouds with an “I touched it!”

Wait… what… what the hell did you say? What did you touch?

Blue Coach gazes at Alex like he just informed him he took Blue Coach’s mother to a nice seafood dinner and never called her again

“I touched the ball before it went out coach!”

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?!?! 

Alex’s teammates at this point want to take him outside and Ol’ Yeller him (give me a second while I compose myself… DAMNIT TRAVIS JUST DO IT ALREADY!… Ok. I’m back). They start PILING on verbally, and with the worst acting of all time. It’s really a case study in terrible acting that just gets worse with each line, culminating with “it’s the championship game!” guy who lets us know the casting director NAILED the “these are high school ballers” look thanks to the amount of acne in the huddle.

Yikes. Anyways, Alex is adamant it is not his team’s ball. As he forcefully informs Blue Coach, Blue Coach contemplates if murdering a high school basketball player will help him get that college job he always dreamed of

Blue Coach thinks better of it and refuses to be frazzled as he informs his team, “don’t foul them when they inbound.” I mean, it’s good advice, and probably doesn’t need to be said IN A 65-65 GAME WITH UNDER 10 SECONDS TO GO, but in a game where the collective basketball IQ appears to be that of a rotted kumquat, Blue Coach is not taking ANY chances (maybe that college dream job is in his future after all).

Next, we get a teammate literally giving Alex the cold shoulder as he bumps him and heads back onto the court. Alex offers his apologies to his coach (because Alex isn’t just honest, he’s got manners too!), but Blue Coach tells Alex “good call” (hmm… I’m having second thoughts on that college gig). At this point, two things happen, (1) “Sportsmanship” blazes across the screen and

(2) Alex reveals through his range of facial expressions and emotions he might be the love child of Al Horford and Kawhi Leonard. We’re then immediately told, “Sportsmanship… pass it on.” Even though any athlete in a championship game would never… ever do this, and more than likely Alex would get choked out by every one of his teammates before going and informing the official he made the wrong call.

But that’s exactly what Alex is going to do. Nevermind the ludicrous way this played out (and the utter lack of sweat from everybody on the court), there is still time for Alex’s teammates to do the right thing, namely, pull a Gillooly. However, it was not meant to be as Alex makes a beeline for the ref and tells him, “I touched it last.” So Alex “does the right thing” and confesses the ref messed up. At this point, it’s Red ball and the commercial ends on a cliffhanger, which by the way, you just know the basketball gods are about to reward Red team and allow them to get off a buzzer-beater. But we don’t see that because this is unequivocally the worst commercial of all time, especially if you’re an athlete.

Alex is Mr. Righteous throughout the whole affair. We have to give him props for getting away with a little shove as No. 30 Red skies for the board a day too early (what is gravity?), but that’s just a normal basketball play. We see Alex show off his A+ outlet skills after ripping down the rebound and hit the LeBron James Travelling Show for the game-tying dunk. Blue team traps cause they have balls the size of Titan before Alex fingertip brushes the ball out of bounds. After a huddle (that ends up wasting one of Blue team’s timeouts by the way), Alex informs his coach and team he touched it and goes to the ref to correct the call.

Everything in this commercial does not make sense:

  1. How No. 10 Red’s baseline jumper hits the base of the rim and bounces forward
  2. How No. 30 Red has perfect position and jumps with the ball in midflight
  3. How No. 23 travels gets away with TWO travels
  4. Why the Bears trap
  5. How the ref teleports back and forth on the sideline to be in position and out of position on the same pass
  6. And finally how Alex turns himself and his team into the authorities

No no no no no no NO!

What Alex is displaying is not sportsmanship, but a loser’s mentality. The type of mentality that makes him a winner in the commercial, but a loser in the game, and a loser in life. But he does win one thing, being the hero of the worst commercial of all time. And at least with that, we can all come together and unite in our hatred of this unbelievably terrible commercial. So thank you Alex for doing what four centuries of American history has never been able to accomplish; bringing us together for a common cause… hating the worst commercial of all time.